Just my Thoughts on Strong Willed Children

I don’t have children and you know what that means…. I have a whole truck load of child rearing advice backed by absolutely no practical experience. Those of you with children can stop laughing now. Remember how it was before you had children? Your kids were never going to do X or be allowed to say X. You would never be the parent at the store with a child screaming at an ear drum shattering decibel level. And then, on day two of bringing your sweet little bundle of joy home you realized you shouldn’t have been allowed to bring the baby home without some sort of license or advanced training seminar?

As a parent of a beagle, which goes poop outside, eats off the floor, and only needs  bathed a couple of times a year I understand that I am in no way qualified to give parenting advice. In my book, women that call themselves “Mom” to anyone that the authorities won’t be alerted if it dies are not qualified to give parenting advice.

Because I recognize how severely disqualified I am to give parenting advice I try very hard to refrain from doing it, or criticizing parents – even when it looks like the children were dumped off from the local zoo’s Monkey House exhibit. Parenting is hard work!

One day at work a friend was talking to me in a voice laden with all the weariness and exhaustion you would expect from a mother of two very energetic boys about the rough week, month… year she was having and how parenting was nothing like she thought it would be. I told her I thought she was doing a great job as Mom and that her boys would turn out terrific because they had her for a mom. She nearly started bawling right there at the copier. Parenting is hard work!

Surprisingly My Sister Asks Me for Advice

My little sister (mother to two teenagers, God bless her) asks me for parenting advice. Little old me, with absolutely no child raising experience. Sounds flattering, right. Not really. Let me tell you why.

No. It’s not so that I feel important and useful. She’s my little sister remember? Her main purpose in life is to tattle on me.

My sister is blessed with a tremendously strong willed, 14-going-on-30-year old daughter. It’s a real battle of wills -- and tears. My sister, being an ever pleasing middle child simply can’t get how a strong willed child can be so, so, so….. well, you fill in the blank. One day she called me crying saying that she was horrified to finally figure out that her daughter is just like me. She often feels like she is the child in the mother daughter relationship, or at least the little sister. Just what every sister wants to hear.

After we shed some tears and laughed at ourselves, my sister felt immensely better and then started periodically calling me for advice -- Parenting advice. Apparently she figures that I’ve got some kind of inside scoop on how to deal with children that want to not only boss the entire household, but the world. I probably do; how often I’ve wished for my own bank, business, country… planet, but in a healthy, balanced sort of way : )

Step One: Copy Mom & Dad

My first advice to my sister was that she start doing whatever it was that Mom and Daddy did to parent us. After all, their methods have been proven to work.  Turns out that's what she was doing, only it wasn't working. In discussing how this could be, we discovered that our parents parented us very differently! My sister hardly ever remembers receiving correction and discipline, or even needing a good talking to. What the?! Apparently, she was one of those kind of children that all parents dream of that try really hard to do everything their parents say to please them. To put it nicely, lets just say they had to work a little harder with me.

For what it's worth here are my totally un-tested tips for parenting strong willed children are based solely on my own personal experience as a child and the techniques my parents used on me.

1. Let it be known, unquestionably that you are the parent and you make the household decisions, not the child. This is probably the most helpful thing my parents did to keep our household and family peaceful. My folks just naturally did this from my birth. I don't think it's something they had to work at. They both grew up in families where parents were the grown ups and just naturally did the same. That one thing eliminated much controversy and trouble. There were a lot of attitudes and manipulation techniques I didn't even try because I knew they would simply not stand for it.  If you have a history of letting your child control and manipulate you into making the decisions they want I have no suggestions of how to get out of that pattern, as all my experience is based on never being allowed to do it in the first place. Best see #2.

2.  Pray for God's help in raising your strong willed child. I don't care if you are an atheist or an agnostic; if you don't think you need God's help to raise your child, then you do not have a strong willed child.

3. Recognize that strong willed children are not anymore inherently bad or sinful than any other child and they should not be treated as though they are. Yes, they know how to push your buttons and will try your patience to the point of breaking but you can still have a sweet relationship with them. Do not belittle them, bully them, or otherwise torment them. They will resent you for it all the days of their lives. It will make them hard hearted, angry and critical.

I never had any doubts about my parents' love and affection for me. We weren't one of those families where we said "I love you" all the time. In fact, I seldom remember hearing that. But, I always knew I was loved, appreciated, valued and enjoyed. Because my parents clearly enjoyed being with me. Not only did they love me; they liked me.  I felt happy, confident and secure.

4. Train, train, and train some more on negative traits.   Let's face it. Most strong willed children have strong tendencies to be outspoken, bossy, and selfish. Lots of kids have these tendencies to some degree, but strong willed children get a double or triple dose. These aren't exactly the best traits to have if you want to have happy, peaceful relationships. If they are not trained out of them, or at least toned down a lot, the child will grow up to have trouble in every relationship they have. Think about it. How many adults do you know that never had these traits trained out? Do you like to spend time with them?

I cringe to think how much these traits are a part of me -- even today.  As a child, they were much more pronounced. I remember being constantly told things like "let your sister go first", "let's quietly listen to what Susy has to say", "ask to play with the toy, don't just grab it". Now, I tell my self similar grown up versions of these statements when interacting with people.

For my work, I've had several personality tests (you know the kind where you are supposed to answer from you gut and not what you think they want to hear) and I always score in the highest level of leader (read bossy). People that know me personally are always very surprised by that because I don't seem to have such a strong personality. A giant thank you to my parents is in order. They worked very hard to get me to think before I open my mouth (can't say that I do that as often as I would like:) and to consider others first. Their diligence has led to much more enjoyable and well rounded relationships for me.

5. Allow your child to shine. Strong willed children typically handle a lot of responsibility well, work independently, make decisions quickly, are strong natural leaders, and will surprise you with their many accomplishments.  It is key for the strong willed child to feel as if they are in charge of something -- anything. Obviously this doesn't mean your child gets to boss the whole family, but you will be terrifically surprised at how happy your strong willed child will be if he is allowed to be in charge of something with your full approval.  If a strong willed child is not put in charge of several time consuming occupations they will find trouble.

I am so very thankful that my parents recognized this early on, both for my own happiness and for their peace of mind. It is probably what saved them from being locked up in a padded room. They made me boss of everything! It's funny to think of it now and I surely hope they weren't just humoring me, but this technique really does work!

Here are some of the things my parents put me in charge of:

keeping the wood box full
emptying the ashes
the chickens
sweeping the kitchen floor after meals
hanging clothes on the line
tending my mini garden
tending the sick baby animals or the runts when they were brought into the house

I made each of these responsibilities my own personal mission to do and do well. My parents never had to remind me to clean out the chicken coop, collect the eggs or fill the wood box. I remember spending the early fall afternoons of the first grade thinking over what all produce from my mini garden would be ready to bring in to the cellar for storage after school. And the baby animals? Oh my, they couldn't have wanted for more attention or nursing.

Maybe you don't live on a farm, but there are all kinds of things you can put your strong willed child in charge of and they will run with it. Just make sure to emphasize it's THEIR job and you know how good they will be at it. How about making sure every scrap of paper and toy is picked up off the floor? How about setting the table and clearing it? Or, the laundry?

6. Pray for your child to know the Lord Jesus as Savior above all else. And for them to develop humility and to seek the wisdom of God. Strong willed children grow up to be strong willed adults, regardless of how much we try to tone it down. With that comes an overwhelming sense of pride. We tend to think we've done it all and we are so great that we simply have no need of the Lord. Oh, how many years I thought that when, really, it was the Lord carrying me. The humility that comes with that realization makes for a whole new outlook on life.

Are you the parent of a strong willed child? Please share anything you've found to be particularly helpful in the comment section.

Menu Plan Monday

Monday: Steaks on the Grill, Au gratin Potatoes, Garden Salad

Tuesday: Turkey Sandwiches, Veggies & Dip

Wednesday: Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, Salad, Garlic Rolls

Thursday: Tuna Noodle Casserole, Green Beans

Friday: Pizza

Well. Last week I forgot to thaw the turkey, so we will not be having turkey leftovers this week.  Perhaps if I can remember to do that this week, next week we can eat turkey leftovers. Last night I made an apple pie so we will have that for dessert this week.

Could I be a Southerner?

Roxanne recently asked:

" Are you SURE you're not from the South?"

When I read Roxanne's question, I had to laugh. Over the course of my blogging career I've been asked that several times and  I'm not really sure why. In this latest instance it was because Roxanne noted my love for homemade biscuits. Last night I counted up and it turns out that most of the bloggers I follow are from the south, so there must be some  draw to the South for me.

But just for the sake of some fun, I'll give you some reasons why I like the south. Bear with me, as one that has never lived in the south I'm basing a lot of this on my perception of the south. Which might be totally off base.

• I absolutely love homemade biscuits, banana cream pie, cornbread and coconut cake. And fried stuff and greens.

• I love the country life (yes, I understand "the south" is not all rural:) and the slower pace of life.

• I have pretty conservative values. Up here in Michigan (at least in my part of the state)-- that's fairly unusual. Even though we have many churches here, most of them are the kind that like the idea of the bible, but don't want actually do anything it says.  Isn't the south referred to as the Bible Belt? There's probably a greater percentage of the general population that  believes there is a God and that He gets to make up the rules. What a novel idea!

• I LOVE the accents -- all of them. According to southerners I sound all whiny and nasally and pronounce Mom as Maaaam. Great. My accent would make me stick out like a sore thumb.  One of my brothers has lived in Texas for the last 30 years and I really love his voice.  He sounds just like Dr. Phil does and you could see him saying "And how's that workin for ya?"

• The longer growing season. Up here it is inconceivable to have 2 or 3 growing seasons. We try real hard to plant stuff early enough in our one 3 month season so that it has time to ripen before frost. 

• Little or no snow.  We are in full fledged autumn now and it goes fast. Snow (or at least really cold whether ) will be here before we know it.

• I really enjoy Southern Living magazine. Last year I excitedly subscribed to Midwest Living thinking it would be just like Southern Living -- only for my neck of the woods. I was very sad when the first issue arrived full of promise only to disappoint because it was one giant advertisement masquerading as a magazine.

• The people. Over the years I've had the pleasure of talking with many southerners in person and on the phone. When I worked at the grocery store, there were a lot customers that came up here to work in the GM plants. They were always the friendliest sort. In my current job I often speak with folks from the south and even though they are usually calling about a problem and are often very frustrated, they are still the most gracious people, everyone in my group thinks so. I think this is one of the reasons I enjoy reading the blogs of southern women so much -- they are just so warm and friendly!

• The roads. I live in the land of let's see how bad we can let the roads get before people start killing off the politicians. Seriously.  Last year, the county attempted to fill the cracks in  the main highway near our home with sawdust. Again, not kidding. Two years ago when I went down to Gulf Shores to visit my in-laws my nose was stuck to the back window as I kept admiring mile after mile of un-potholed roads.

• Prison work crews.  When I was a little kid the main town near us, where we went to do all of our "big shopping" at the Wards catalog store and Kmart was a prison town. It was also the cleanest town you ever saw. They had prison and jail work crews out there cleaning everything and planting flowers.  Now-a-days they don't do this very often. The reason for this is because almost all of the county, local and state employees that are charged with doing clean up work are unionized here and they don't want prisoners doing the work for free. Something about putting a union worker out of a job.  You would think this would mean we would still have beautiful roadsides and public areas. We don't because it costs too much to have a union worker to do it. 

I'm not sure if they have prisoners doing this type of work throughout the south, but I saw a lot of it in Alabama. Plus I'm a big believer in having them do something for the public good instead of lying around watching television.

• The title Miss. Remember the matriarch from Dallas -- Miss Ellie? A dear lady that was my boss years ago lived in the south for many years. She shared how the Miss title is used down south and I think it's the greatest thing. We don't have anything like that here. We use the formal Mrs/Ms or the first name. It would be great to have something in between.

• One of my favorite Southern sayings is "bless her heart".  Apparently you can say just about anything about somebody and then follow it up with a bless her heart and it comes across as a compliment. I am ALL FOR such a sweet way of telling someone they are a complete idiot. It makes me feel less mean.  It works especially good up here, where most people don't know what it's code for. Are there any more special sayings like this?

Now, for some more laughs. Here's why you could never mistake me for a Southerner.

• I can't stand sweet tea, the cornbread I love must be sweetened --a lot. I can't stand mustard or collared greens and do not believe in flavoring any vegetable side dish with any part of a smoked hog. And, I detest okra in any form -- even fried. And catfish. Soda is pop to me.

• I think 90 degrees is too hot to do much of anything. On the rare occasions when it reaches 95, I start wondering if hell is about the same level of hotness.

• The incredibility large bugs, spiders and what not and those flying cockroaches people down there like to affectionately rename Palmetto Bugs. We like to rename stuff so it sounds less offensive too, but everybody knows what it really is.

• I love the accents but sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the slowness of the speech. Up here we talk really fast. All of us; well you could probably exclude those with a stuttering problem. There have been many times I've wanted to reach right through the phone and shake the living daylights out someone to make them talk faster. To give you an idea of what it feels like, imagine you are on a 70 mile per hour freeway, and someone in a combine gets on in front of you and you can't pass. You go from 70 down to 8. Ever notice how there aren't many southerners on those tv news shows where all they do is yell at each other? That's because the people that make these shows know that most southerners can't speak fast enough even when they are mad to make for a good fight.

• Kindergarten graduations.  Apparently this is a VERY big deal and I sure hope I'm not going to offend any of you sweet southern readers. But, most of us Northerners (except those super doting parents that celebrate every. single. thing. their kid does) are thinking Come on, what is the big deal... so your kid made it through their first grueling year of eating paste and learning not to pick their nose in public?! Let's have a big party?! 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the northern/southern culture. Share away!

Menu Plan Monday

After taking an inventory of what all foods we have on hand in the freezer and pantry (and buying a few more items this weekend) I've made up our weekly menu to use up what we have on hand.

Monday: Roast Beef, Potatoes, Brussel Sprouts, Biscuits & Jam

Tuesday: Chicken 'n Dumplings, mashed potatoes, green beans

Wednesday: Chicken & Black Bean Burritos with all the fixin's

Thursday: Comfort Ham & Mac Casserole, Beets

Friday: Homemade Pizza

Saturday: Turkey & Dressing, Squash, Brussel Sprouts

Our Cleaning Out the Pantry Menu

After taking stock of all the major items in our pantry and freezer I've jotted down a quick list of potential meals and side dishes we will be eating the next few weeks. I also noticed I've got a lot of dessert type mixes and such. There's no way George will be able to eat all of that in the next several months, so I might make up some of the muffins and stick those in the freezer for what I like to call "emergency desserts".

Sides

Mac & Cheese from a box 2x
Wild Rice
Couscous (will be having tonight, yum!)
Pasta Salad
Split Pea & Ham Soup
Stove Top Stuffing
Cornbread (probably about 5 times)

Main Dish

Spaghetti
8x8 pan of lasagna
Chicken & Mushroom Alfredo
Sloppy Joes x2
Burritos/tacos 5x
taco bake
Oven fried pork chops (tomorrow night)
Anything with bbq sauce (we have 5 bottles bought for about .25 a piece. Good thing George likes bbq sauce on almost any kind of meat)
Turkey (We might have my sister's family over for a preThanksgiving meal)
Fish (tonight)
tuna noodle casserole

One of the reasons I love to sort out the cabinets & freezer and figure out just what we've got in there is because doing so forces me to make the best use of the food we have on hand. I'm one of those people that will open a 1/2 full cabinet of stuff all jumbled about and think "oh, that's not enough to make a meal out of anything". I want takeout!!!!!!  Every time I take an inventory of what we've got and arrange it all neatly I am utterly amazed at the number of meals that can be whipped up out of "nothing".

One particularly yummy find was some freezer jam. How, after only a week or so did that get pushed to the back of the freezer?!

My mother gave me a jar of strawberry freezer jam for my birthday and I can't wait to bake up some homemade biscuits to serve with it. When I was a kid, we ate homemade biscuits and jam several times a week. In my mind that was a complete meal.

Our Spider Policy

We have a lot of spiders. I don't particularly care for hate spiders. Unfortunately since we have lives, (and no maid) we cannot spend our days squashing the innumerable number of spiders we have -- in the garage, in the outbuildings, in our old, spidery, rat, snake and what-not infested country root cellar of a basement. To help us cope with all the spiders we have an unwritten Spider Policy:

When to let the Spiders live

Under most circumstances a spider is allowed to live if it's in an area we don't often use like an out of the way corner, or any place that George goes more than I do like the outbuildings and the cellar... and the crawl space. Doesn't the word crawl space just scream spider infested? If the spider is in a more populated area like the kitchen or living room, then I still let it live if it's not too easy to kill it. Laziness rules.

When to squash Spiders dead

Under no circumstances is a spider allowed to live if it's on or real close to furniture, in the bedroom or headed that way. All spiders near the toilet or in the tub/shower will be killed on sight -- I'm still tormented by the Arachnophobia movie. Any fast moving spiders and recent spider baby hatchlings are killed immediately -- even if it's hard to get to them. I'm not taking any chances with those suckers!

One of the things about living up here in Michigan where it gets, down right cold is the immense satisfaction that all the creepy bugs, spiders and such will die, die, die every winter. I really feel for the people in warmer parts of the country (and God forbid the tropics) where their creepy crawlies only get bigger and bigger.

Do you have a spider policy? How big do your spiders get?

Our Labour Day Weekend

I hope you all had a wonderful Labour Day weekend. Around here we tend to take the "labour" part of Labour Day Weekend literally. We don't intentionally celebrate the holiday that way, it just works out really well as a catch up weekend for us. We've both been working an ungodly amount of hours lately, so a catch up weekend was much needed. While we are very thankful for the work, rest is also very much needed and appreciated.

In spite of having a 3 day "work weekend" I feel remarkably refreshed and renewed, mostly because I forced myself to not bring anything from the office home and to completely forget all about it and was mostly successful -- except for those two bad dreams about the office.

The first of our very much anticipated cooler fall weather arrived this weekend. How wonderful it feels to curl up in jeans, socks and my favorite tattered old sweatshirt! George built the first fire of the season in the wood stove. Saturday evening we spent a good while sitting in front of the stove enjoying the warmth and listening to the crunchy whisper of fallen leaves blowing into the garage.

George spent the morning mowing and finished just in time for a good downpour. We really need the rain so no complaints here. While the rain was drumming down George started making some trim for a basement remodel he hopes to finish this week. I happily puttered around the house doing laundry, straightening things up and taking stock of our pantry and freezer supplies.

A few times a year I like to go through our stash of food on hand to ensure we are using the older items up first and that I'm not consistently ignoring some foods for a year or more. Who needs more "mystery packages" in the freezer or 5 year old flour? I made up an inventory list of the major items in our freezer and pantry and then came up with a list of possible meal ideas. Over the few weeks we will go lighter on newly purchased groceries and eat up the older stuff in the cupboards.

We finished up the day with a big pot of chili and cornbread with honey.