Just my Thoughts on Strong Willed Children

I don’t have children and you know what that means…. I have a whole truck load of child rearing advice backed by absolutely no practical experience. Those of you with children can stop laughing now. Remember how it was before you had children? Your kids were never going to do X or be allowed to say X. You would never be the parent at the store with a child screaming at an ear drum shattering decibel level. And then, on day two of bringing your sweet little bundle of joy home you realized you shouldn’t have been allowed to bring the baby home without some sort of license or advanced training seminar?

As a parent of a beagle, which goes poop outside, eats off the floor, and only needs  bathed a couple of times a year I understand that I am in no way qualified to give parenting advice. In my book, women that call themselves “Mom” to anyone that the authorities won’t be alerted if it dies are not qualified to give parenting advice.

Because I recognize how severely disqualified I am to give parenting advice I try very hard to refrain from doing it, or criticizing parents – even when it looks like the children were dumped off from the local zoo’s Monkey House exhibit. Parenting is hard work!

One day at work a friend was talking to me in a voice laden with all the weariness and exhaustion you would expect from a mother of two very energetic boys about the rough week, month… year she was having and how parenting was nothing like she thought it would be. I told her I thought she was doing a great job as Mom and that her boys would turn out terrific because they had her for a mom. She nearly started bawling right there at the copier. Parenting is hard work!

Surprisingly My Sister Asks Me for Advice

My little sister (mother to two teenagers, God bless her) asks me for parenting advice. Little old me, with absolutely no child raising experience. Sounds flattering, right. Not really. Let me tell you why.

No. It’s not so that I feel important and useful. She’s my little sister remember? Her main purpose in life is to tattle on me.

My sister is blessed with a tremendously strong willed, 14-going-on-30-year old daughter. It’s a real battle of wills -- and tears. My sister, being an ever pleasing middle child simply can’t get how a strong willed child can be so, so, so….. well, you fill in the blank. One day she called me crying saying that she was horrified to finally figure out that her daughter is just like me. She often feels like she is the child in the mother daughter relationship, or at least the little sister. Just what every sister wants to hear.

After we shed some tears and laughed at ourselves, my sister felt immensely better and then started periodically calling me for advice -- Parenting advice. Apparently she figures that I’ve got some kind of inside scoop on how to deal with children that want to not only boss the entire household, but the world. I probably do; how often I’ve wished for my own bank, business, country… planet, but in a healthy, balanced sort of way : )

Step One: Copy Mom & Dad

My first advice to my sister was that she start doing whatever it was that Mom and Daddy did to parent us. After all, their methods have been proven to work.  Turns out that's what she was doing, only it wasn't working. In discussing how this could be, we discovered that our parents parented us very differently! My sister hardly ever remembers receiving correction and discipline, or even needing a good talking to. What the?! Apparently, she was one of those kind of children that all parents dream of that try really hard to do everything their parents say to please them. To put it nicely, lets just say they had to work a little harder with me.

For what it's worth here are my totally un-tested tips for parenting strong willed children are based solely on my own personal experience as a child and the techniques my parents used on me.

1. Let it be known, unquestionably that you are the parent and you make the household decisions, not the child. This is probably the most helpful thing my parents did to keep our household and family peaceful. My folks just naturally did this from my birth. I don't think it's something they had to work at. They both grew up in families where parents were the grown ups and just naturally did the same. That one thing eliminated much controversy and trouble. There were a lot of attitudes and manipulation techniques I didn't even try because I knew they would simply not stand for it.  If you have a history of letting your child control and manipulate you into making the decisions they want I have no suggestions of how to get out of that pattern, as all my experience is based on never being allowed to do it in the first place. Best see #2.

2.  Pray for God's help in raising your strong willed child. I don't care if you are an atheist or an agnostic; if you don't think you need God's help to raise your child, then you do not have a strong willed child.

3. Recognize that strong willed children are not anymore inherently bad or sinful than any other child and they should not be treated as though they are. Yes, they know how to push your buttons and will try your patience to the point of breaking but you can still have a sweet relationship with them. Do not belittle them, bully them, or otherwise torment them. They will resent you for it all the days of their lives. It will make them hard hearted, angry and critical.

I never had any doubts about my parents' love and affection for me. We weren't one of those families where we said "I love you" all the time. In fact, I seldom remember hearing that. But, I always knew I was loved, appreciated, valued and enjoyed. Because my parents clearly enjoyed being with me. Not only did they love me; they liked me.  I felt happy, confident and secure.

4. Train, train, and train some more on negative traits.   Let's face it. Most strong willed children have strong tendencies to be outspoken, bossy, and selfish. Lots of kids have these tendencies to some degree, but strong willed children get a double or triple dose. These aren't exactly the best traits to have if you want to have happy, peaceful relationships. If they are not trained out of them, or at least toned down a lot, the child will grow up to have trouble in every relationship they have. Think about it. How many adults do you know that never had these traits trained out? Do you like to spend time with them?

I cringe to think how much these traits are a part of me -- even today.  As a child, they were much more pronounced. I remember being constantly told things like "let your sister go first", "let's quietly listen to what Susy has to say", "ask to play with the toy, don't just grab it". Now, I tell my self similar grown up versions of these statements when interacting with people.

For my work, I've had several personality tests (you know the kind where you are supposed to answer from you gut and not what you think they want to hear) and I always score in the highest level of leader (read bossy). People that know me personally are always very surprised by that because I don't seem to have such a strong personality. A giant thank you to my parents is in order. They worked very hard to get me to think before I open my mouth (can't say that I do that as often as I would like:) and to consider others first. Their diligence has led to much more enjoyable and well rounded relationships for me.

5. Allow your child to shine. Strong willed children typically handle a lot of responsibility well, work independently, make decisions quickly, are strong natural leaders, and will surprise you with their many accomplishments.  It is key for the strong willed child to feel as if they are in charge of something -- anything. Obviously this doesn't mean your child gets to boss the whole family, but you will be terrifically surprised at how happy your strong willed child will be if he is allowed to be in charge of something with your full approval.  If a strong willed child is not put in charge of several time consuming occupations they will find trouble.

I am so very thankful that my parents recognized this early on, both for my own happiness and for their peace of mind. It is probably what saved them from being locked up in a padded room. They made me boss of everything! It's funny to think of it now and I surely hope they weren't just humoring me, but this technique really does work!

Here are some of the things my parents put me in charge of:

keeping the wood box full
emptying the ashes
the chickens
sweeping the kitchen floor after meals
hanging clothes on the line
tending my mini garden
tending the sick baby animals or the runts when they were brought into the house

I made each of these responsibilities my own personal mission to do and do well. My parents never had to remind me to clean out the chicken coop, collect the eggs or fill the wood box. I remember spending the early fall afternoons of the first grade thinking over what all produce from my mini garden would be ready to bring in to the cellar for storage after school. And the baby animals? Oh my, they couldn't have wanted for more attention or nursing.

Maybe you don't live on a farm, but there are all kinds of things you can put your strong willed child in charge of and they will run with it. Just make sure to emphasize it's THEIR job and you know how good they will be at it. How about making sure every scrap of paper and toy is picked up off the floor? How about setting the table and clearing it? Or, the laundry?

6. Pray for your child to know the Lord Jesus as Savior above all else. And for them to develop humility and to seek the wisdom of God. Strong willed children grow up to be strong willed adults, regardless of how much we try to tone it down. With that comes an overwhelming sense of pride. We tend to think we've done it all and we are so great that we simply have no need of the Lord. Oh, how many years I thought that when, really, it was the Lord carrying me. The humility that comes with that realization makes for a whole new outlook on life.

Are you the parent of a strong willed child? Please share anything you've found to be particularly helpful in the comment section.